Seoul For Simon - Part 7: Anticipating Custody...

Seoul For Simon- #bloggingformyboy Part 7: Anticipating Custody... Once we learned of our final approval so many friends and family congratulated us and asked me of my emotions. It seemed like the natural question or response should be excitement, but that was not an emotion I admit to even being in my top five. I wanted it to be, but the knowledge of so so many families who have gone before caused other feelings to cloud my thoughts to the extreme. Not worries. Not what ifs. Not even picturing worst case scenarios. But more so just the known anticipation of the moment when Simon and his foster parents will be separated and his world upended thus bringing him sadness, confusion, fear, grief, avoidance and any number of emotions that have caused my own 'excitement' to not rate highly as one of my impending emotions over our upcoming custody trip. Yes, I was so so blessed to finally be getting my boy. Yes, I love him like crazy pants. Yes, I was ready to start our next stage in life together and join it with the other children, familiy, and friends. I was ready to be with him every day and I truly was excited and had been awaiting this time for so so long. We lovingly day dream of him being part of our every day. It wasn't that I was allowing the doom and gloom over this trip and event to over take the many many blessings nor am I a pessimistic person by nature, but rather my mommy heart was aching for what my child would go thru. Deep down, of course, I could breathe a sigh of relief and feel at peace because I knew the difficult feelings and experiences would be temporary. But no loving parent wants their child to experience grief and sadness. Especially if it carries with it a feeling of being the one to cause it. Yes, I KNOW his foster family was only ever meant to be temporary and that they fulfilled a beautiful grandparent roll only until custody was granted and that he wouldn't have been with them had he not been waiting for us. I most Definently recognize the long lasting emotional capabilities a foster home has afforded his future bonding skills. And I know that his care in our intentional FOREVER home carries with it feelings of future love that can't be duplicated. I know this in my brain, but my heart still aches. Simon has lived with this family for more than two years. They are all he knows. And me, being an experienced mom of little ones who have been in my home their entire lives, can just imagine the feelings that would accompany this upcoming change. It absolutely takes my breath away thinking of how this may feel. I just pray so so much for his comfort and peace and the same for his Korean grandparents. And I am clinging to my personal experience that this unexplainable peace in times of trouble IS indeed possible. I know this current anxiety to be far less difficult and with far less torment (and to even bring a more obvious happy ending) than the tortured grief I've experienced in my past when we held our son Jack as he passed into the arms of Jesus. Even in THAT horrific moment God sent me that peace and I didn't even have to ask. God knew what He was doing was for the best, and seeing His child suffer was hard on him. In a time when I was consumed by a weary confused heart, many I love were my voice to Him and asked for that unexplainable peace on my behalf. And so now I implore God to please send anyone who may feel anything other than excitment in these coming weeks caused by this adjustment whether it be Simon, those he loves in Korea, or even his older siblings attempting to adjust, that He will grant them peaceful moments, moments that gradually extend in length over time until the peace is so so obvious and so so joyous that it is hardly containable. During these conflicting moments, as with many times in life, I hold tight to my perspective. I know the true beauty of our newest journey and addition. I know the outcome hard work and patience and love will bring. So when I start to feel sad about Simon's grief or when I break thinking of the difficulty his life has dealt him already and the forever impacts that'll have, I just tilt my chin instead towards the beauty laced throughout and seek to find the joy in this journey. The blessings woven throughout the sorrow. I will most definently not deny though that there have been moments where giddy anticipation has snuck its way into my anxious mental preparation... The first such moment came when I was switching out the books in the boys' room from the large library in the basement. I typically do this when seasons or interests change. I was struck still when I realized the actual reality that I needed to dig out some of the hard back baby books and then even more so when I thought to add many of the My First Words, Baby's Colors, and My First Animals sort of books when it hit me hard and real that 'Holy crapoly! We are going to need to teach him all of this! Teach him English! Like starting next! Week! His real live bootie will be sitting in this very yoga pants covered lap with his chubby little finger poking this same Touch&Feel book his older siblings used!' Instant. Tears. Of. Joy. It's real. It's happening. So while my brain and heart collide with empathy over the more difficult moments anticipated with Simon's upcoming custody day, I will allow myself a small repreave and give in and hashtag a few cliches that are bubbling 'excitedly' beneath the surface... ;) #glasshalffull #someonepinchme #seoulFORsimon #bloggingforMYboy