Seoul For Simon - Part 7: Anticipating Custody...

Seoul For Simon- #bloggingformyboy Part 7: Anticipating Custody... Once we learned of our final approval so many friends and family congratulated us and asked me of my emotions. It seemed like the natural question or response should be excitement, but that was not an emotion I admit to even being in my top five. I wanted it to be, but the knowledge of so so many families who have gone before caused other feelings to cloud my thoughts to the extreme. Not worries. Not what ifs. Not even picturing worst case scenarios. But more so just the known anticipation of the moment when Simon and his foster parents will be separated and his world upended thus bringing him sadness, confusion, fear, grief, avoidance and any number of emotions that have caused my own 'excitement' to not rate highly as one of my impending emotions over our upcoming custody trip. Yes, I was so so blessed to finally be getting my boy. Yes, I love him like crazy pants. Yes, I was ready to start our next stage in life together and join it with the other children, familiy, and friends. I was ready to be with him every day and I truly was excited and had been awaiting this time for so so long. We lovingly day dream of him being part of our every day. It wasn't that I was allowing the doom and gloom over this trip and event to over take the many many blessings nor am I a pessimistic person by nature, but rather my mommy heart was aching for what my child would go thru. Deep down, of course, I could breathe a sigh of relief and feel at peace because I knew the difficult feelings and experiences would be temporary. But no loving parent wants their child to experience grief and sadness. Especially if it carries with it a feeling of being the one to cause it. Yes, I KNOW his foster family was only ever meant to be temporary and that they fulfilled a beautiful grandparent roll only until custody was granted and that he wouldn't have been with them had he not been waiting for us. I most Definently recognize the long lasting emotional capabilities a foster home has afforded his future bonding skills. And I know that his care in our intentional FOREVER home carries with it feelings of future love that can't be duplicated. I know this in my brain, but my heart still aches. Simon has lived with this family for more than two years. They are all he knows. And me, being an experienced mom of little ones who have been in my home their entire lives, can just imagine the feelings that would accompany this upcoming change. It absolutely takes my breath away thinking of how this may feel. I just pray so so much for his comfort and peace and the same for his Korean grandparents. And I am clinging to my personal experience that this unexplainable peace in times of trouble IS indeed possible. I know this current anxiety to be far less difficult and with far less torment (and to even bring a more obvious happy ending) than the tortured grief I've experienced in my past when we held our son Jack as he passed into the arms of Jesus. Even in THAT horrific moment God sent me that peace and I didn't even have to ask. God knew what He was doing was for the best, and seeing His child suffer was hard on him. In a time when I was consumed by a weary confused heart, many I love were my voice to Him and asked for that unexplainable peace on my behalf. And so now I implore God to please send anyone who may feel anything other than excitment in these coming weeks caused by this adjustment whether it be Simon, those he loves in Korea, or even his older siblings attempting to adjust, that He will grant them peaceful moments, moments that gradually extend in length over time until the peace is so so obvious and so so joyous that it is hardly containable. During these conflicting moments, as with many times in life, I hold tight to my perspective. I know the true beauty of our newest journey and addition. I know the outcome hard work and patience and love will bring. So when I start to feel sad about Simon's grief or when I break thinking of the difficulty his life has dealt him already and the forever impacts that'll have, I just tilt my chin instead towards the beauty laced throughout and seek to find the joy in this journey. The blessings woven throughout the sorrow. I will most definently not deny though that there have been moments where giddy anticipation has snuck its way into my anxious mental preparation... The first such moment came when I was switching out the books in the boys' room from the large library in the basement. I typically do this when seasons or interests change. I was struck still when I realized the actual reality that I needed to dig out some of the hard back baby books and then even more so when I thought to add many of the My First Words, Baby's Colors, and My First Animals sort of books when it hit me hard and real that 'Holy crapoly! We are going to need to teach him all of this! Teach him English! Like starting next! Week! His real live bootie will be sitting in this very yoga pants covered lap with his chubby little finger poking this same Touch&Feel book his older siblings used!' Instant. Tears. Of. Joy. It's real. It's happening. So while my brain and heart collide with empathy over the more difficult moments anticipated with Simon's upcoming custody day, I will allow myself a small repreave and give in and hashtag a few cliches that are bubbling 'excitedly' beneath the surface... ;) #glasshalffull #someonepinchme #seoulFORsimon #bloggingforMYboy

Seoul For Simon - Part 6: COURT, SecretBBQ, Iteawon, Seoul Station, Namdaemun, Fly Home

Seoul For Simon - #bloggingformyboy Part 6: COURT, SecretBBQ, Iteawon, Seoul Station, Namdaemun, Fly Home

Seoul For Simon - Part 5: Agency Mtg, Adoptive Fam Lunch, Simon Play Date #2!, Dongdaemun, Toy Alley

Seoul For Simon - #bloggingformyboy Part 5: Agency Meeting, Adoptive Family Lunch, Simon Play Date #2!, Dongdaemun, Toy Alley

Seoul For Simon Part 4: Itaewon, Drop Box Church, HonUniv, Korean BBQ

Seoul For Simon- #bloggingformyboy Part 4: Itaewon, Drop Box Church, HonUniv, BBQ

SeoulForSimon: Part 2: Bukchon - Gyeongbokgung & Part 3: Namsan - Namdaemun - Baseball

SeoulForSimon: Part 2: Bukchon Village & Gyeongbokgung Palace . Part 3: Namsan Tower, Namdaemun Market, & Korean Baseball After our first visit with Simon we hit the subway and headed to a part of Seoul called Bukchon Village. Bukchon is located between Gyeongbokgung Palace and Changoek Palace. It features a great deal of art galleries and small stores running throughout limitless alleys and is quoted as being a 'preserved 600 year old urban environment.' We didn't really purchase anything, but enjoyed seeing the interesting shops and buildings. We made our way over to Changoek Palace only to find that it was closed on Mondays and so then walked for quite some time along a main city street towards Gyeongbokgung Palace. We got to watch the changing of the guards and then went into the palace to explore a bit. The "G Palace" was built in 1395 by the Joseon Dynasty. It consisted of more than 300 different elaborately painted buildings. It was beauiful and mind blowing to read about all it has been thru in the last seven hundred years. We then headed over to the Insadong area of Seoul to meet a fellow adoptive family for the first time in person for dinner. The restraunts in Seoul are so different and difficult to explain. There are so many all packed into every building. We spent many conversations mulling over the assumption that rent must be very cheap for so many small stores and shops to stay open when competitors souround them. On this night, as with many others, we ended up going up an alley stairway to the third or fourth floor and heading into a cozy restaurant. There were 8 of us and we lined a wall mixed with chairs and benches. Unlike many restraunts in Seoul, this one had no pictures and no English and so we were very thankful to have our Korean speaking friends with us. We got a wide assortment of food and I was very thankful for my friend attempting to explain my shrimp allergy to the waiter as food allergies are not at all common in SK. I of course also got some version of Kimchi Jigae. This is a kimchi soup that Patrick makes at home for me once or twice a month and I was determined to find the best batch in all of Korea so I ordered a bowl along with our meals at nearly every restraunt we went to. It was nice to sit and eat with great company, but as the long day and jet lag started to catch up we were all eager to get back to our hotels to rest. On Tuesday we woke up and took the subway to an area of Seoul where we would be able to go up into Namsan Tower to look over the entire city. It was fairly hot and humid and we were sweating up a storm even just trying to hike to the cable car building. (We noticed many times that Koreans seem to have a much different tolerance to heat as we were often the only ones sweating! Haha) It was an incredibly clear day in Seoul, which is rare, and so our cable car ride up the hill was beautiful! Namsan Tower is the tallest point in Seoul and quite amazing to look out and see how far the city of ten million reaches. However I got a bit sick and was eager to get back down the mountain. ;) After the tower we headed over to shop at a traditional market called Namdaemun. This market was definitely our least favorite, but I've heard that their indoor shops have more to offer. It was very very busy and loud and seemed to be filled with socks, purses, and sunglasses. Late that afternoon we ventured up several floors to a coffee shop where, as often happened, we were the only customers. We had a humorous ordering experience and just spent an hour or so visiting with the Grays before we jumped on the subway to head to a Korean Baseball game. The baseball game was very different than that of an American baseball game. The stadium and attire were quite similar, but the prices on tickets and food was much lower. The highlight of the game was what my husband referred to as the Hype Man. Basically each side of the stadium (separated according to whom you were cheering for) had a hype man and a few cheerleaders. When your team was up to bat there was CONSTANT LOUD singing and cheering and banging of plastic tubes. The energy was incredibly high and everyone in the crowd participated. It was a lot of fun. My husband and I splurged and each got a team hat and were excited to be able to one day share with Simon all about the game in Seoul. It was a perfect night and we just enjoyed each other's company as we walked the streets back to the subway to head back to the guest house. According to Patrick's watch we had been averaging around seven miles a day or walking. We were determined to stay busy and take in as much of the culture as possible. My husband and I both remarked early on that we felt very safe and comfortable in Seoul. The subway was easy to acess, the people were helpful if needed, and there was so much to explore.

SeoulForSimon: Part1 - anticipation, travel, first meeting

The week leading up to departure came very quickly as our days were filled with dozens of to do's not only in preparation for Korea, but also because I can't seem to just focus on a task at a time, but always find myself shoving as much in as possible in order to be more and more settled, organized, and prepared for the changes to come this fall and winter. The night before we left I was filled with sudden sadness over leaving our two older children. Eight nights suddenly seemed like a very very long time to be away from such young children whom I used to being with around the clock. I allowed those emotions, but continued to remind myself of the fantastic care they would receive while we're away and of course was filled with the surreal realities of what we were about to do. On Saturday morning we woke a little after 4am and headed to Kansas City International Airport. We grabbed our friends and photographers, The Grays, along the way and began part two of our adventure to Simon. My emotions, while they held a small bit of dread over the upcoming full day of travel, were primarily focused on the excitement that flowed thru me with the knowledge that we were headed to meet our son in person for the first time. My husband best described the love one is able to feel from simply having photos and videos by comparing it to the same moment he first saw his other children born. You don't know them. You've never held them. But the part of you that knows they're yours takes over your heart and claims them from that point on as part of you, part of your life, part of your heart. Simon has been loved his entire life. I know in my heart that as an infant he had nurses, social workers, his birth mother, and his foster mother who loved him. Who cherish him. He has been loved by us and by our children since the first moment we saw his photo at eight months old. And above all he has been loved by God since before he even was. ---While on the long flights my mind was never far from picturing the moment to come where we will first meet our eyes with his. I wondered what he would wear, would his hair be long and wild (my favorite), would it be pulled back into a traditional pony tail, or would his foster mom have cut it in anticipation for this day. I attempted to control my heart to have no expectations for our moments together. I had read many many accounts of these first meetings and knew it was just as possible for him to be unwilling to come near us as to hug us. I just wanted him to BE. I just wanted to see him. I hoped to get the chance to touch him and connect with him, but knew that moment would eventually come and learned of patience long ago. ---When we arrived in Seoul, South Korea we were all exhausted but thrilled to finally be off the horribly long plane ride. We made our way to baggage, immagration, Wi-Fi purchase, and the subway fairly easily with instructions from previous families and the benefit of all signs having not only Hangul, but also English. Once off the correct train we had a bit of a walk with all of our luggage thru busy city streets in the dark, but after less than 30 minutes of wandering we stepped past a series of shops and were instantly in front of the agency. The building front is very distinctive. I had seen pictures of it many times. The exhaustion and foreign confusion were no match for our sudden rush of emotions when first seeing the adoption agency. I quickly tucked my head in Patrick's chest and cried as I waited for him to whisper another Dumb&Dumber quote to me "we're really doing it, aren't we buddy". ;) It was realer than real. We had arrived and would settle in to the guest house in preparation to meet our son in the morning. ---Monday morning, August 31, 2014, 568 days after first seeing his picture, Patrick and I meet SeoYoon face to face. We were sitting in the agency coffee shop when our social worker said "he's here" and pointed towards the door. When I turned the corner, there he was. It was as if I've always known him. I did not feel anxiety towards him, just peace. I'm sure our smiles were big as we said hello I'm Korean to him over and over. He ran right past everyone and straight to a child sized ride in car to play. It was obvious he was familiar with coming to the agency and loved the car. We least down and smiled and talked to him. The Foster Mother was all smiles toward us. Once the Foster Father came in from parking Simon ran right to him. He picked him up and they explained they love each other very much and he very attached to him because he is a 'man's man' of sorts. :) We all went upstairs and into a play room. In many parts of Korea, before you enter many types of rooms, you must take off your shoes and not be barefoot so we all came prepared with socks. Once in the room Simon's FM sat him at a little table and signaled for me to sit in the chair by him. When I did she took his chair and scooted it right next to me. Patrick was on my other side. He had two cars we played with. Everyone watched as Patrick and I just played and interacted with him. (FM, FF, social worker, & two phtotographers) Simon was in a good mood for the majority of the play date. He only got a little upset when his FF left the room for a bit. Our SW was able to translate questions for us to the FM about Simon's general care. As parents already we are very patient with Simon. We didn't want to force any affection. He was appropriately cautious toward us, but still friendly. After a few minutes of play I snuck my hand on his little back. He didn't flinch or mind at all. I had been waiting for so so long to touch him. Then after a bit I may have snuck a touch or two to his soft curly hair. :) I switched places with Patrick for a while and he did the same. After a bit of play at the table Simon switched to a ride in cozy coupe car. It was quite evident that he loved cars. His foster parents were so wonderful. They kept trying to encourage him toward us. I'll never forget the moment we were all in the floor and Simon was sitting on his FF's lap and he was motioning for him to sit on Patrick's lap maybe. Simon wasn't upset at all, but also not interested in getting too too close. We got out the fruit snacks to see if that may lure him over. Patrick held out the treat to him and Simon leaned toward him and opened his mouth. Something so simple caught me by surprise. How sweet that he saw Patrick already as someone he trusted to stick food right in his mouth. Once he had the piece in his mouth however he quickly disapproved and took it out, dripping with slobber, and held it up and fed it to his FF. The sweet man accepted the gooey offering without a second thought. This made my heart warm and ache. I'm a sap for babies and grandpas anyways and mixed with my baby and this special circumstance it was all I could do not to "AWWW!" out loud. ;) ---We gave the foster family a gift for their baby granddaughter and also a basket for them. The FM asked us the sizes of Keith and Layla, our older children, because she wanted to get traditional hanboks made for them before our second play date. When we parted Simon had lots of sweet "bye bye"s for us and off they went. We were sent straight into a visa meeting where we filed for Simon's US passport. ---I didn't necessarily feel depressed or sad at him leaving, more so just blessedly excited to having seen him and knowing we would see him again very soon. I had zero doubts about our connections and relationship with him and knew with time all would come. God has gone before us. I felt excited that he was so happy and sweet. Also, we were glad to learn more about him - like that she said he was off his bottle, starting to show some beginning potty training signs, loved cars, very laid back, fairly easy going, takes 1 nap, falls asleep quickly, but just needs to be laid with at first, and is a small and uninterested eater. My favorite thing was that he seemed to enjoy Patrick. I dreamed very much for them to bond quickly and deeply, even if it means watching from the side a bit. I love this for them so so much. And of course I wish our older kids could've been present, as I have the same dreams for them, but know (hope!) that'll come very soon. :)

ADOPTION UPDATE!!

ADOPTION UPDATE!!!! Almost ten months ago we were matched with Simon from South Korea. He is now 18months old, living in a foster home, and seems to be doing well. We get 3 pictures a month in addition to updates about his growth and development. We also get to send him a gallon sized baggie of clothes and toys when we find another adoptive family who is traveling. International adoption is very expensive and timely, but we felt God called us to Simon from the first time we saw his little picture. For the last ten months we have just been waiting and fundraising. It is crazy to think of falling in love with a child thru pictures, but that is exaxtly what has happened. We have really had no idea of a time line other than to watch those that have gone before us. TODAY HOWEVER, we received word that Korea has requested our file to prepare for emigration permit submission! I look at this step as being in the batters' circle. It is exciting because we have had many many months with no movement and now the reality of Simon is starting to return. The file request that we got today tipically comes about 6-9 months before we would get called for korean court and then another call about a month after court to return for custody. So we still have some waiting to do, but we are super excited for this new movement and the red tape updates that'll come more often over the next few months.

Nearing a year.....

REFLECTIONS...... July came quickly this year. I can't believe it has been a year since Jack was born. The end of last summer was a total blur for me. Every day was not a good day and I wasn't sure if I would ever feel truly happy again. I remember the moment that I was driving and I had a little feeling of lightness with a happy emotion behind it. It caught my grief off guard and it went as quickly as it came. That little moment slowly morphed into me learning to live again as the new me. Slowly a seemingly good day snuck in and over the months another and then another. Eventually, after many months, Id say that I experience more good days than bad. That I have more smiles than tears. It's been hard and confusing, but I have been trying. I was never going to "get over" not having my son. I was never going to see that "it was for a reason". I was never going to fully understand or accept. But God tugged me along He keeps me moving and growing. Sometimes I feel wise and strong and able to reach out and help others while other times I feel selfish, confused, angry, and completely unable to care about much of anything. July approaching has made my emotions more difficult. Each day is a memory of where I was last year at this time and what my thoughts and fears and HOPES were then. I had no idea what was to come or how I would deal. On another hand I look and think "it's been a whole year and you don't have this figured out yet?!" I just fear that I still don't know how to BE. I feel unstable with my grief. I am so scared that it is going to suck me in and any progress my loved ones thought I've made is going to disappear. I'm trying to find meaning. Im trying to allow God to lead me to my next journey. To use this hurt, this love, to glorify Him and help others. I'm trying. I think. I mostly need to find a balance between growing and making my life and Jack's life what it's meant to be and then with dealing with my hurt and anguish. My human nature is wanting to find someone to blame and my God is wanting to help me beyond those emotions. I'm trying to learn to trust Him and work for His glory even though I don't understand WHY. I could ramble on about my emotions for daaaays, but Ill spare you (for now;)) and move on... THE KIDS....... We speak of Jack every day. Layla now also has more good times than bad when mentioning him, but I can see the hurt there for sure. I was pleased that focusing on Simon and his adoption wouldn't take away from Jack or their love for him. Them, just like us and our parents have two totally different parts of our heart for these boys as individuals. Im certain that whatever path God leads our family down will have a piece of Jack reflected in it as our reason for being strong and willing. CELEBRATING....... I'm not looking forward to the 17th or the 20th, that's for sure, BUT Im trying to plan ahead to think of what we should do to honor and remember our boy. Im trying to remember the 17th was the best day if my life and that is reason to celebrate and the 20th was the best moment of Jack's when he was greeted with his Lord. I want to have happy feelings about this anniversary time. However, my current remembrance preference includes a dark room and a giant bedspread over my head for four days, but I know I would regret that so Im trying to plan small activities... We plan to release a stringless balloon again, watch Jack's videos, look at all of his things and scrapbooks, light candles, plant a tree, spend time with our parents, and we will visit Children's Mercy on the 17th where we will deliver the nurses and doctors flowers with Jack Packs and coffee ;) Loved ones have asked what we might want then to do to remember Jack's sweet little life - perhaps light a candle in his memory or release a single blue balloon and pray for all the hurt and hope while you watch it float into the clouds. And most definitely, like always, we invite you to share that time with us. While it may be awkward or unsure, please know that telling us you're remembering Jack is always welcome and appreciated.

March Adoption Update

**I realized my blog is a bit outdated and apologize to my readers who are not my FB friends. An update: ********* We continue to miss and think of Jack every day. This week marks eight months since we held him. I have sent many Jack Packs around the country to pregnant mothers who are struggling to find a balance between grief and hope. ********* Shortly after starting the adoption process, progress in Ethiopia went down hill and we were quickly narrowed and moved to the special needs program in China. We spent about two months waiting and learning there. After a turn of events with our agency we happen to be glancing at a waiting child list for Korea when we found Simon. We requested his file and after reviewing it with our pediatrician and prayers we requested a hold on him. We received initial approval from South Korea. Now we wait for our home study to be approved and submitted and then will get additional approval before a wait that will most likely be over a year before they call is for travel. In the mean time we get monthly health and development updates and photos and are able to send him small packages if we find a traveling adoptive family. After being inspired by another Korean adoptive mommy I decided to journal to Simon while I wait to hold him. *************************************** My Simon- I look at your pictures and think about you every day. I wonder what you're doing. I wonder what your likes and dislikes are. I feel an ache in my heart looking and waiting for you. Please know we're trying. Please we're doing all we can to get you here. I pray your comfortable, happy, and well taken care of like you seem to be. Last night we had our social worker over for a few hours. We talked a lot about you. We talked a lot about Jack. And how our love for Jack has led us to you. We are stronger now. We are ready for you. I've been doing all I can to learn about Korea and adoptions and listening to other adoptees and adoptive parents. We're trying to busy ourselves preparing while we wait. My heart is trying not to be sad, but rather joyous. We hope you like your toys and your photos and your big brother's clothes that we sent. We can't wait to get your next update. We are so excited and proud of how strong and sweet you are. -Mom

Life with MORE babes??

Patrick and I have always had a heart for children in need - for the orphan. We've spent time with children in both Mexico and Nicaragua who were in need of a loving home. When we first married we discussed adoption a great deal. We joined a group at church and learned whatever we could from others. As most of you know, adoption isn't easy. It can be stressful, risky, expensive, and timely. Back then we prayed about it, appreciated the idea of it, but were perhaps a bit scared away from the difficulties that could come with adoption and not even sure where to start. Before we knew it life started moving faster. We quickly got pregnant three times in three and a half years. Boom. Boom. Boom. It was quick, easy, fun, and free! But then our life came to a screeching halt. When Jack was diagnosed, when he was born, and when he died our world stopped moving. We have spent the last 5-10 months worrying, grieving, celebrating, mourning, and picking ourselves up. God has shown He is there. Not always in the way we'd hoped for, but we know He knows better. God gave us Jack. Jack caused us to pause. Jack showed us that we are capable of finding strength and immense love in a difficult situation. Jack showed us we are strong enough. And so when we looked at where our family would go next we were unsure. Scared. Worried. Jack's Trisomy13 is not something that was caused by our genetics, and so we do not have extreme fear of it happening again. People have asked, and yes, we are able to have more healthy children, BUT we feel like God is reminding us of our other capabilities. Our strength. We feel in our hearts that it is time to revisit adoption. We are drawn to our world wide family and responsibilities. John 11 says, "And not only for that nation, but to bring together and unite all the children of God scattered around the world." And in Matthew 18 God says, "And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me." So it is our prayer that God will lead us to our next child. Our arms are open. We have started our Adoption Home Study and after much research are currently finding ourselves leaning towards international adoption from Ethiopia. You have shown that we can count on your prayers and support. Thank you so much for reading. You can expect my typical unedited rambles and updates here. ;)

My birthday. Again.

November 17th... 2012 - It was a Saturday morning. My 29th birthday. Layla had just turned three and Keith was eleven months old. Patrick let me sleep in since it was my birthday and he entertained the kids and worked at secretly printing off a spa day gift certificate for me. I had secrets of my own as I had been feeling a bit odd and snuck to take a pregnancy test. Quickly the lineS appeared and my first thought was " holy crap". An unplanned baby for a very planned momma. I smiled and stuck the test in my pocket and walked to the kitchen. When my husband kissed me and handed me the gift, I in turn gave him the positive pregnancy test. As the day went on my mind was consumed with this new unexpected life living within. We planned to buy new furniture at Nebraska Furniture Mart that day for our new home we would take over in two weeks. What a blessing that we would have a new home for our newly enlarged family. I still remember that it was me (and not the kids as we feared and warned) that absent mindidly knocked over a huge display of hundred dollar vases while shopping. My husband smirked and I knew what he was thinking, "pregnant brain" And so it began... Happy 29th birthday. 2013- what a year... Never would I have imagined it would end this way. My birthday carries so much heartache. Ive tried so hard to embrace it with open arms. I fear I've hit a bit of a snag. I should be at home with a new baby, just getting into the swing of having three kids four and under. But Im not. I'm galavanting out west spending time - a wonderful time - with my husband 'celebrating'. I can't help but know that if we had Jack with us we wouldn't be here. It is hard to enjoy with that realization. Jack being born on 7-17 would be four months old on my 30th birthday. As I imagine ahead to 31... In 2014... I can't help but struggle to breathe in absolute trepidation for what might wait ahead this next year. I no longer walk blindly thru a trivial life. Yes, I know it will be blessedly beautiful as the last has been. Though I feel scared and weak. BUT... I will wake tomorrow. I will greet the day. And I will rejoice for The Lord is good. I've had thirty strong years. Not everyone has that. This I know. Here's to God for these 30 years, may I work harder for His Glory. And here's to my boy - I promise I will never forget these dates and moments we shared - and while this the passing of time feels like it is shoving me further away from you, know that deep in my being I do realize that it is in fact drawing me closer to the day we shall meet again.

Ten Weeks Out

ME AT TEN WEEKS: Jack's influence on my life is beyond words. Every day I see new ways where he has changed and molded and bettered my time here on earth. Many old friendships have become new and stronger than ever. I have so so many new friends that ARE my heart. My relationships with my parents are better than they have ever been. And my husband and children are so precious to me that just thinking about how much they mean to me shortens my breath. I sometimes struggle though lately with my relationship with my Lord. I don't have doubts. I don't really even ask why or have anger. But it is almost as if I have awkwardness towards Him. I still read my Bible every day. I still pray every day and thank Him for all He has provided. But I just have an uneasy feeling. Perhaps I am angry, but have such a mix of fear and gratefulness that I feel guilty allowing that through and so it is like there is an elephant in the middle of my faith walk that I don't seem to be able to hash out with God. Sure, the experience of having and losing my son has strengthened all those relationships listed above, but don't tell me that couldn't have happened while allowing me to still have him. My other two children have taught me countless lessons and I still get to have them. And they will continue to teach me as they grow and change. It has been ten weeks since we last held our son and so much has changed. Im a new woman for sure. So new I don't even know myself. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin and I surely don't have much of a memory for who I used to be. I feel like Im stuck floating inside of myself. Im able to see out and witness all of the beauty and heartache swirling around me, but don't feel a lot of permanence from my moments. However, I am better. I am able to have conversations and remember appointments better. I even felt like spending some energy on myself recently and found myself purchasing clothes and painting my nails. A fellow angel mom (who Ive never met) sent me a letter and she said it best when she encouraged me that while my love for Jack will endure my pain will ease. And I figure that if I am already seeing evidence of this at ten weeks than there may just very well be hope for me after all. THE REST OF THE FAM AT TEN WEEKS: I don't speak publicly about my husband's grief journey because he is a pretty private man, but my very young, sweet children continue to go through stages of their own journey. My three year old daughter blows kisses up to heaven each night. She has also had a few queries about death and heaven lately. She saw some cow bones at the ranch one day and asked how the rib fell out of the cow. I explained to her that the cow died and his bones are left. She was silent for a long time before wanting to see them again and then began asking questions about how the cow died and how Jack died and I could see her wheels turning. She does that sort of thing often. I think she is a bit confused about the physical body and spiritual soul. (Aren't we all! ;) ) My one year old son is so sweet with his journey. He often points to pictures of Jack and says "Baby Jack Baby Jack!" I figured he was just copying what others said, but then once he said it towards my belly and then last week we were cuddling in the three am silence and he asked me, "Baby Jack go? Baby Jack doing?" It amazed me that he would possibly have memory or understanding of any of it. We shall never know for sure I suppose. Their behavior has not been the best lately. I don't know if it is all part of the terrible toddler stages, their grief journey, or more than likely caused by their reaction to mom's short fuse. Either way, they keep us on our toes. :) THANK YOU: Thank you for still checking on us at ten weeks. Thank you for understanding that we still hurt and remain shocked and disoriented. Thank you for the cards and letters and messages. Thank you especially for sending me photos of you wearing your jack bracelet so I know all the adventures that he is getting to experience in your heart. (I got more bracelets in - please just let me know if you want one) Thank you for being patient in awaiting your personal thank you card for the meal or gift you sent, for I have yet to wrap my head around writing them out. Thank you for reading and as always thank you for your grace in knowing that I may not always be able to express myself properly in this format, but loving me anyways. Here's to week eleven...

Jack Packs & More

JACK PACKS: I have assembled a large packet of information and ideas for pregnant mothers who will deliver a baby that has a life limiting diagnosis. The purpose of the Jack Pack is to pass on these ideas so that mommas can make the most of their special moments and have memories forever. Often the shock and grief and hope of the situation fogs the experience and I think the worst thing would be to look back and wish you would've known to do this or that. I figured that I already did the footwork so perhaps I should share the information. Jack Packs will be placed in areas where pregnant woman are most often as well as places where pregnant woman may go for support. Please tell me if you know of someone who could use a packet. Here is what they include: 1. Memory making ideas for pregnancy 2. Memory making ideas for the hospital delivery and birth 3. Hospital Bag Idea List 4. Recommended Connections 5. Funeral/Memorial Planning 6. Memory making ideas for later 7. Our Story (briefly) 8. Example Birth Plan 9. Grief book list for adults and children 10. “On the Night You Were Born” (a special book from us to you) LABEL MAKER: I've been having lots of 'nesting' lately. Perhaps it is because I finally have some energy back or maybe just that I have spent a lot of time at home this month. I have major urges to clear everything out, have a sale, and stick labels all around. We are coming up on the one year mark being in what I hope is our forever home and I am wanting to finish up the areas like the library, storage room, craft room, and garage that have yet to be set up. These tasks are difficult with my limited energy, but even more difficult with my special toddler helpers. Speaking of... MY BABES: Little Miss seems to be adjusting to preschool well and while Bubby misses her I can tell he enjoys his mommy time. Ever since Jack was born my one year old has seemed a bit more mommy attached and wanting to cuddle more. I cuddle and rock him more than I used to for sure. Often I cry while rocking him wishing I could rock Jack too, but am quickly brought back to smiles when Bubs sits up, smacks me, and demands "sing mommy!" Oh these kids... They keep me going that's for sure. My daughter has been naming her baby doll 'Jack' lately. She says that her doll died but then that he got to come back from the sky. She has different ways on different days of coping with her grief. Whatever she needs we are here to help her. It doesn't bother me for her to talk like that. She also enjoys looking at Jack's things and reading child grief or heaven books together. Her teachers at school said they wouldn't know she's had any home issues and say she is adjusting well. So that's a huge blessing. ME? How am I? Oh I don't know... Depends in the day. The moment. On a good day I feel blessed for the moments and experiences I was granted with my son and get excited about helping others in Jack's memory. Im able to move about my day's tasks and go in public and speak openly. On a bad day I feel alone and empty and extremely anxious to talk to anyone or go in public. My arms and belly feel like they're trying to grasp into something and there's nothing there to hold. My heart physically hurts inside my chest and I have trouble breathing. On those days public is not an option and I avoid it at all costs so that the store doesn't close in on me. I find I can easily encourage other angel mommies for the most part, but then will have moments where my vulnerability sneaks through. I have started a grief group for parents. I get to go with a dear friend whose son also passed from trisomy 13 and I like being with her because she makes me feel safe. Also in the group is a woman who is probably in her mid eighties. Watching her cry when she speaks of the child she lost like fifty years ago scares me. She has had to Iive with a lot of regret though so Im sure that has drastically slowed her grief process. So Im hoping my 'no regrets' approach will allow my next fifty years to be a bit kinder on me. JACK: Jack has been gone from our world for seven weeks. I miss his sweet smell and his hair and his soft hand. I used to rub his fingers back and forth across my lips while I spoke to him. I have a plaster mold of his hand now and sometimes need to feel his fingers again. He had so many fussy times, but would often quiet right down when he would lay right on my chest. I want my seven week old baby back. I bought a bassinet for him. I had a cradle with my first two kids and then quickly moved them into their room after the first few weeks. But since my one year old is still in the crib I planned to have Jack stay extendedly in our room. I had also bought a carrying basket for him so I could take him out in the yard while the kids played and he would be up Off the grass. We had friends over tonight. I wish I could've taken him outside with us in his basket. Instead it is in the basement with his bassinet and all the tubs of little boy clothes of his older brothers that Id hoped he could wear. Oh gosh, I just miss him. I have a secret... You may think Im crazy, but Ive yet to worry about that so here goes... Many people think butterflies represent the loved ones we've lost - i think I agree - in some way - spirit or thought or something - well when we walk out in the yard with our kids a butterfly always joins us on our walk down to the lake. Always. It makes me smile. It makes me feel like baby jack is out playing with us. Our sweet family of five.

Blessings Through Sorrow

-Blessing Through Sorrow: A List of all that Went Right -As part if my grief I have been thinking about all the amazing blessings surrounding my sorrow. A fellow angel mom recommended for me to do this when Im feeling down. I have decided there are so many blessings through my sorrow that I could separate them into three categories: pregnancy, lifetime, death. -Blessings During Pregnancy: 1. Jack made it full term. 2. The nurses and doctors at our new hospital were amazing 3. I had the support and prayers from my regular OB to move on to the high risk group at 30w. 4. We found a hospital who helped educated us, support us, and allow us to make the decisions. 5. We got pregnant while even using birth control ;) which means Jack was really REALLY meant to be. 6. My pregnancy was just like the other two 7. We knew of Jack's diagnosis at twenty weeks which allowed us to prepare our hearts and minds, but not having had prepared our home (if I had gotten a nursery all ready that would've been more painful after) 8. We got to see Jack on the ultrasound often 9. We got to do a 3D 4D ultrasound for free 10. I had support from other angel and trisomy moms 11. Family and friends supported and helped in so many ways 12. We were able to spend our pregnancy learning so much about Jack and meeting with so many different departments at the hospital for addition preparation 13. Everyone bonded with Jack in the womb 14. He was a BOY :) that's what we were secretly wanting 15. We found out about my pregnancy on my birthday 16. We got a beautiful new home during our pregnancy 17. Jack's siblings were excited for him to come 18. I didn't gain quite as much weight with Jack as I had with Keith 19. Being pregnant in the summer was not horribly hot this year - I got to go swimming lots too 20. Gparents were able to watch the kids for two days after the shock of our diagnosis so we could grieve alone. 21. People sent cards, meals, emails, messages... 22. My blog allowed me to connect and vent and even inspire. 23. My friend took beautiful maternity pictures for us. 24. We felt prepared and educated as much as was possible before meeting Jack -Blessings of a Lifetime: 1. We read a special children's book to Jack 2. All of Jack's grandparents and aunts and uncles got to meet and hold him. 3. Jack's siblings got to spend time with him 4. We got tons of amazing pictures during delivery and our stay 5. Jack came out crying! 6. Jack didn't need lots of medical intervention when born 7. We were able to confirm Jack's brain and heart issues right away which allowed our care decisions to be clear and unwavering. 8. The nurses and doctors were amazing. 9. We got to take Jack to the chapel 10. We got to take Jack out into God's sunshine 11. We were the only mommy/baby pair in the Fetal Health Center so we got tons of love and attention 12. The CSection went well and didn't have to be an emergency. 13. Mommy and daddy got to see Jack open his light blue eyes 14. Daddy and Briana (photographer) got to be right there with Jack in the OR the whole time I was being sewed up. 15. Uncle Evan watched the kids so the grandparents could all be there when Jack was born (and my dad got there that evening and Jack was still doing awesome) 16. Jack's two oldest cousins got to meet him 17. Jack had beautiful black hair and soft soft skin 18. We got to feed him all of his meals and the NG tube wasn't difficult to use 19. JACK GOT TO STAY IN OUR ROOM WITH US HIS ENTIRE LIFE - BEING HELD AND SMOOCHED THE WHOLE TIME 20. Jack weighed more than five pounds 21. He liked his passie and looked so cute with it 22. Jack loved laying on my chest 23. We got to sing to Jack lots 24. Chaplains from our church came to pray over him 25. Some friends were able to come meet Jack 26. Jack's daddy baptized him 27. We got a sweet video of big sissy singing to him 28. Jacks big brother liked him and kept saying "baby baby" 29. Our hospital had no visiting specifics so family could be there all night. 30. Little pieces is Jack reminded us of his big sister and brother each 31. Gparents were able to care for our older kids for four days in their own home. 32. Jack loved laying on my chest and hearing my voice. 33. God helped me safely they my surgery. -Blessings Even in Death: 1. We were able to spend the most time possible with Jack while in the hospital before we left to go home. If Jack had passed early in our stay we would've been left without him and still there. Jack stayed with us for so long that we even had Papa go get his car seat all washed and ready for the next morning's trip home. This was a struggle for us. We knew Jack was dying and we preferred for it to happen in our arms and not in the car or in front of our children. So the fact that we were able to be with him for our whole stay, but not have to attempt to load him up and have him pass in the elevator or garage was a blessing to us. 2. Jack passed away during one of the only times that all six grandparents were at the hospital. 3. Our older children happened to be at the hospital, but thankfully were not in our room. 4. Jack passed a little after seven pm so all of his and my day and night nurses were there at shift change to give tears and hugs and say goodbye. 5. We were not terrified like I always imagined me to be 6. After Jack passed to Jesus we got to continue to hold him for five more hours and do prints and molds while we waited for the funeral home. 7. I didn't have to hand my son over to the morgue or security, but rather my dad. 8. Jack didn't have to go to the morgue - the funeral home picked him up at midnight on a Saturday 9. Jack didn't fuss or suffer when he passed. 10. Our beautiful friend Courtney figured out that Jack had an amazing connection with the perfect biblical number seven. We found out we were pregnant on 11-17, found out about Jack's troubles on 3-7, he was born on 7-17, lived for 77 hours and 7 minutes, and passed on 7-20 at 7:02. 11. Jack's memorial went well with so much love 12. Jack's clothes still smell like him 13. We have a beautiful big box full of his things 14. The urn is beautiful and has space for us 15. After we handed his body away our nurse brought two hospital beds in and we both slept (drugged) the whole night before getting up and going straight home 16. Our three year old handled us telling her fairly well 17. Grandmas were able to stay with us for a few weeks after 18. Daddy got a week off 19. Friends brought us dinner for over a month 20. We got hundreds of cards in the mail and each one made us feel special 21. We have each other and Layla and Jack to keep us going 22. Our pastor met with us three different times 23. Our funeral home offered us big savings 24. Some of my fellow Trisomy moms visited me or sent me memorial gifts 25. The hand and foot molds turned out amazing 26. Our entire family has pieces of Jack that they carry with them each day now and forever 27. Jacks story will help others in some way, I just know it 28. There is more to come for Jack's impact 29. Looking at Jack's pictures brings me happiness and not sorrow 30. Jack is now in the arms of the only one who loves him more than we do. I feel like I could continue on in all three areas some more. So perhaps I shall add more later, but for now, I realize I am blessed.

Baby Jack's Memorial, Thoughts, & Future Blogs

Jack's Memorial:

Saturday was a very difficult day. I know they call it a "life celebration" and we are so very very blessed for having our boy, but it still felt so very sad. So many wonderful friends, family, and nurses came to celebrate Jack's life and I will forever appreciate and treasure those beautiful names in his guest book. There are some who couldn't come and some other angel patents who have asked about planning their own and so I thought I would share the specific events of our memorial...

Order of Worship:

-Piano Hymns - played by my husband's brother with slide show scrolling jack photos as people walked in

-Opened with a Vocal: 'In Hope- Chapman' - sang by a close friend of ours 

-Call to worship and prayer from our dear pastor

-Old Testament Lesson: Ecclesiastes 3: 1-14 read by my sister

-New Testament Lesson: 2Corinthians 4 taught by my brother

-Grandparent Reflections: each of our parents shared thoughts or prayers about their sweet grandson 

-One More Day song

-I read the children's book 'On the Night You Were Born' because I had read that to Jack a few times and it was our special book to him

-My husband spoke of thanks for our support as well as spoke on his son's strength and spirit

-Video Slideshow with 'VanMorrison's Brand New Day' that our photographers assembled of pictures of Jack

-The word of promise and hope from our pastor

- A triumphant feeling piano piece that my husband's brother played 

- benediction from pastor 

- receiving line to hug on momma and daddy while music and pictures of jack played

- cookies and coffee to follow  

Specific Moments Looking Back:

-HOSPITAL STAFF: There were a handful of nurses that came to the service. This made me cry more than anything. When I see them I feel Jack. I think of Jack. I remember Jack. They were our lifetime with him. They were part of his story. They delivered him. They held him. They helped him. They loved on him (and us!). And they were also there when he grew his wings. God sent them to us. I know it. 

Before we knew we were delivering at a new hospital, where Jack would be treated as a patient, I had prepared a letter for my nurses in the event of a still birth or very short life. The discrimination our first hospital gave us made me feel the need in my letter to beg the nurses for kindness, respect, and to treat us like any other family because they were in the presence of God. God thru his angel. HOWEVER, once we switched to the Children's Hospital I knew that letter was no longer needed. I knew our nurses would treat Jack with respect even though he was different. I remember our first ultrasound at our new hospital - the sonographer talked baby talk to the screen and said hello to our sweet boy and smiled at the cute things he would do. She didn't ignore or not document his special needs, but she didn't speak only of his differences. She treated him like the sweet babe he was. I adore that staff. That staff made our four days what it was. They made it beautiful. God shined His spirit down on that place so that we may see His blessings while we felt the pain. We were allowed to be as happy as we were sad. I have a vision and a mission to give back to that unit in memory of Jack and in honor of the staff. God hasn't placed the specifics in our hearts yet, but we know it'll come. 

-RECEIVING LINE: So many times in my grieving I have wanted to hide in a hole to feel safe and I was worried having a receiving line would be too much for me to bare. However, it did not feel that way at all. Quite the opposite. All those hugs and tears made me so proud of my boy and my family and friends. I encourage others to consider an open service or even open grieving. (Such a this.) The response and support can be such a comfort during an empty time. 

Picking Up 'Jack' From the Funeral Home:

This is not a topic Im comfortable talking in detail about yet. Id love other angel mommies to feel free to reach out to me if they need to discuss this with someone. I CAN say the urn was beautiful and my husband and I went together. I held the urn upon my lap. It was horrid and emotional. Not how any parents should have to take their baby home. Many more feelings that I may or may not decide to confront. (Friend Warning: I do not want to discuss this is person.) My heart is with any other parent that has had to do this. 

Dr C:

We have a wonderful Neo that has answered so many questions and shared so much of his time with us and we really appreciate that. We value his thoughts and opinions. I got an email from him confirming the post birth chromosome test results for Jack's Full Trisomy 13 and he added a note to say that Jack's blood type came back as B-POSITIVE and that perhaps that was a nice message about Jack. ;) 

What to expect from my future blogs??

Oh I don't know... Im sure there will be a fair share of grieving details and remembered Jack moments, mixed in with moments about my older two kids. Id also like to start praying about how God wants me to honor Jack's memory with a project or mission. Id love for you to keep reading and commenting and sharing your life with me as well. xxxxx

Daddy's Words From Jack's Memorial

I want to start today by saying thank you. Thank you to everyone who offered us a word of encouragement, or lifted us up in prayer, sent a card, a meal, or offered to help in any way. I say thank you because that’s all I can do at this time. Those words alone are entirely inadequate to express the gratitude Ifeel because I am truly overwhelmed by the outpouring of love we have experienced over these past months.

In mid-April Rachel and I had a meeting with Patty at Alexandra’s House. We talked about Jack, what we could expect, what worries we had, what preparations we might want to make. One of the things Patty told us was that Pope John Paul said that when the soul is pierced by tragedy what comes out is love. When I heard that I thought, I hope that’s true, because at the time I wasn’t sure how I would be able to cope if and when Jack passed. That thought of love emerging from tragedy stayed with me and I thought about it often until I realized it really was true. I knew it was true because of you. Friends, family, acquaintances, and people we have never met were hurting for us, for Jack, for themselves. And your response to that hurt was love.

So you didn’t just feed us a meal, you didn’t just get us through another day, you gave us the courage to find strength in ourselves because we knew we were not alone. Thank you.

This copy of the New Testament belonged to my great grandfather and it was given to me by my grandmother last summer. I don’t think she gave it to me for any particular reason other than she thought I would like to have it. Inside the front cover she had pasted the Upper Room devotional from the day my great grandfather passed away. The verse for that day was II Timothy 4:7, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” Late Saturday afternoon in the hospital while I was changing Jack he took a deep sigh and threw his fists above his head. This verse came immediately to mind as Jack struck this triumphant pose.

He could have given up easily so many times, and no one would have thought less of him for it. We spent so much time, often every waking hour, focusing on making sure Jack was loved, but in the moment I didn’t realize that he was fighting so hard, not for himself, but for us. And in that way he was an example of Christ’s love for all of us. I am humbled to have been in his presence for those three glorious days, let alone to be able to call him my son.

May we each take Jack’s bravery, selflessness, perseverance, and courage with us every day.

A Lifetime

This is my second go at explaining what we went through those four days at the hospital. Version number two is a bit less detailed, especially on the medical side, but my hope is that I'm still able to share our experiences with you. Id like to remind you that these are my memories as I see them today. My feelings and outlook will change as my grief grows and changes. Please be gentle with me, my rambling, and my confusions. I warn you not to read this if death makes you extremely uncomfortable. Know though there was nothing but four days of love for our boy.

 (And as always excuse the fact that I typed this with my thumbs on my phone ;) )

Our Four Day Stay:

Every day was filled with cuddles and love from visitors, especially the grandparents and aunts and uncles. Jack and I both had around the clock nurses to tend to our every whimper. Due to the special and rare nature of our Labor & Delivery unit we were the only patients and so lots of extra love was given. We can never express our gratitude for the level of care we received. 

Day One: that first day Jack was born was the best day of my life by far. My sweet boy was out and alive and cuddled in my arms. My bff photographer took so many hundreds of pictures that I will treasure forever. We just lived in every moment and didn't think of or discuss the next day. Through that first day I couldn't get out of bed after my surgery, but wasn't sore due to the Spinal medicine still being in my system. Jack had a nasal cannula on that first day that was sending forced room air (not oxygen) but we ended up taking it out because we weren't sure it was doing much anyways. Other wise he just had some sticker ports measuring his stats which stayed quiet and consistent all day. 

We decided to go ahead and bring our two older children to meet their baby brother. Our one year old loved him. He smiled and pointed and kept saying "baby" and wanted to touch Jack. Our three year old cuddled on him and even gave him his bath, but I felt in my mommy heart that she was reserved. I feel that she knew something was different. Something was to be worried over. She still loved on him, but it was a more humble quiet love. 

That night we decided to insert a feeding tube and try a very small bit of formula. I went back and forth about if I should pump. I didn't want to start my breast milk if I wasn't going to continue it, but I also had major mommy guilt, I wasn't even comfortable voicing my rationales out loud, but luckily my husband didn't ask questions and just allowed me to do as I saw fit in the moment. So I didn't pump right away. We decided to use the feeding tube and not even attempt oral feeds until we could later be sure Jack's air way was protected. I didn't want to take any chances with aspiration. Jack peed and pooped that first day and so that was wonderful. My family was so sweet with Jack and everyone just loved having him. That first night was a bit rough, but not too bad. We fed him via tube every three hours, but he also didn't sleep very solid. All I would have to do was bounce him a little when he'd wake and sing to him and he'd go right back to sleep. He slept in my arms. Jacks night nurse also came in and held him next to my bed for 45 minutes while daddy and I slept a bit. That was sweet. I didn't want to send him out and he didn't like being set down. So mommy, daddy, and Jack were spoiled rotten and she just stayed there in the dark with us for a few.

Day Two: It was much like day one. Lots of love. Lots of talks and songs and rocking. Our exhaustion levels were through the roof, but we had the rest of our lives to sleep so we did not care. That second night Nana (my step mom) stayed with us so she could take turns holding and calming Jack's fusses so we could try to sleep some. Often daddy and I would sit together in the hospital bed and hold Jack and tell him how proud we were of him. Even when he started to have troubles we just loved on him. Our fighter boy. 

Day Three: Friday morning one of Jack's nurses said maybe we'd like to take him outside. The hospital chapel is beautiful and has a court yard. We were thrilled and hadn't even considered this an option, but loved for Jack to have this opportunity. It was like a hundred degrees outside so we knew it wouldn't be a long term activity, but were ready to allow God's sunshine to poor on our baby. Jack and I were wheeled down by my nurse and his, and my husband and his family came along. Once outside we took a picture or two and daddy picked Jack out of my arms to cuddle. Jack had some trouble breathing and so daddy and I took him inside just us two and sat in the AC chapel in a pew at the foot of the alter and cuddled and prayed for our sweet boy. We wept. Jack cuddled to us so fiercely. He loved being held. We adored each other. Throughout Friday Jack continued to get his feeds and continued to pooper (which he demanded to be changed immediately) but at some point Jack stopped peeing after day one. The doctors think it could either be his kidneys shutting down or his brain not telling them to function. That was a very scary point for me. Even though all of Jack's health behaviors were not 'normal' I had somewhat been living in a dream world and then I was quickly reminded that time may very likely not be on our side. My boy was having health issues. My boy's body was... Failing, I guess. :'( Through each and every decision there were doctors and nurses discussing the options and possibilities. We had also prayed over all interventions and studied greatly before Jacks birth. Jacks post birth ultrasounds were helpful during all choices as well. Jack was constantly held and sang to and talked to by myself and my husband and our parents, our siblings, and friends as well. 

That night Mimi (Husband's mom) stayed with is in the hospital to take turns holding him. It was a harder night, but still considered a blessing. Just thinking about all this breaks me. oh :'( I love him so much. My heart bleeds with pain at the extent of my love. 

Day Four: Throughout Saturday Jack would have troubles more often. It was difficult. It was confusing. But we were with him. We loved him. His family loved him. Jack came back fighting over and over. That night, at 7:02pm, Jack had not been breathing for an especially long time. When we asked the nurse to listen with her stethoscope she said, "Im sorry. I no longer hear a heart beat. I will get his doctor." We all wept, but waited. I just held him and waited for the breathing. I waited for him to be ok again. Surely the nurse was wrong. Surely. I just said, he needs to be checked again. Again please. The doctor came and listened for the longest five seconds of my life and simply said, "Im sorry. He has passed." Daddy prayed. My heart floated up to Heaven to live there with my boy forever. We went back and forth between sobbing and hugging and staring. All of our parents and our siblings hugged and cried with us. It happened right at shift change so jacks and my day and night nurses came in and shared tears and love. Thankfully my mom was able to be there. She had been staying at my house with my two older kids and switching out with the other gparents to come see us. Not so great was that at this time my two older kids (1&3) had come to say hello and were in the waiting room with Nana. We of course didn't bring them in to the room now that Jack had grown his angel wings, but my momma still had to go home with them and attempt to hold it together. I wanted them to feel only happiness and not know of our grief until mommy and daddy could be there to stay and hold them. After Jack's spirit left we kept holding him and organized memory boxes for the grandparents. The nurses came in and did beautiful plaster molds. My dad took care of organizing with the Chaplin on having Jack picked up that night instead of me having to give him to security or the morgue. My dad, the Chaplin, and my and Jacks night nurses arranged for a better goodbye. That night, at midnight, Jack's nurse wrapped him in a warm blanket and Daddy and I loved on him once more and then I handed him to my father. A very loving and proud grandpa. My dad and Jack's very loyal night nurse (mary) then took him themselves down to where the funeral home was waiting to pick him right up. With empty arms, my husband and I showered, took some sleeping pills, and went to bed together where my amazing night nurse (stacie) had pushed two beds into the hospital room. The nurses hung a butterfly on our door so as to ask for privacy for grieving parents. We slept for eight hours, woke, packed our bag, packed Jack's overflowing bag, and together with our parents left the hospital fetal health center room 3, and went home holding two plaster molds, a butterfly, and each other. 

Jack's Birth

Jack's Birth:

07-17-13

After getting the kids settled we headed to the hospital in order to be there to start the induction at ten am. I was 38 weeks 3 days and worried my body may not be quite ready to have a baby, but Jack had stopped growing and my fluid was quite low and so it was best to get him out. When we arrived and were settled my nurse hooked up my belly monitors and started my IV. I have never done well starting an IV. It goes in fine, but as soon as the fluid starts running through my body I get sweaty, dizzy, blood pressure issues, and often throw up. It only lasts a couple of minutes, but isn't enjoyable. However, when this happened to me Jack's heart rate also took a significant drop. Our OB came in and introduced himself and immediately began discussing a CSection. He had concern that if jack didnt even tolerate the IV, how would he do with the induction. We took his recommendation into consideration, but asked to continue with the induction for now. However, before they even did anything Jack had yet another big drop. At that point the OB explained what would happen if we had to move too quickly towards a CS later (I would be knocked out and daddy and Briana (photographer friend) couldn't be there for the birth either). The heart rate drops and fear of no one being present for jack's birth had us agreed to the CSection at that point. (About noon) 

After telling/calling all the grandparents and getting set up the staff came to walk me down. When they stopped my poor husband at the door he was quite worried. He did not know he had to wait a while before he could join me. I look back now and see the adorable pictures of love where he waited and waited and waited for them to get him. It was a very stressful time because we ha no clue how Jack would do or be. It very likely could've been the end right then, right away. 

When I arrived in the OR they put me on a table, covered my shaking body in warm blankets, and gave me the spinal. It hit quick and I laid down. Once numb and covered they brought my honey in. This OR is connected to the Infant resuscitation area so they also had the whole baby team and my photographer on the other side prepping. I would say it took about twenty minutes of strange tuggings before we heard the most beautiful sound in the world. A sound we were not always expecting, but always hoping for. Our sweet tiny baby, Jack, came out with the tiniest kitty cat CRY. The room was thrilled. My husband rushed over to the infant side right after they showed him to me and Jack's team began checking him and helping him. It took over an hour for the doctors to sew me up, but I was not nervous or sad because I could hear my baby giving a great fuss while he was measured and poked. That day 7-17 was by far the very happiest day of my life. I knew it then laying upon that table that God had given me an angel of my very own and granted us with irreplaceable moments of love with this angel. Daddy and Jack's team kept coming over to give me updates or show him to me. He needed a bit of oxygen help at first, but was otherwise handling life outside the womb. Shortly after his birth the staff did a heart echo and head ultrasound to confirm Jack's heart and brain issues. This confirmation was vital to us because it would have a huge part in how we decided to go forward with Jack's intervention now knowing that he did in fact have inoperable or incurable troubles. Jack was born at 1:55pm weighing 5lbs 15oz and 19in. A little after three pm they escorted me to a recovery room and soon after daddy lead the team that brought Jack down too. He was greeted by a happy tearful mob of family as he was rolled down to see momma. They passed him into my arms and it was in those warm arms and in many many others that he spent his next three and a half days. He was only set down to get his poopy diaper changed (which needed done immediately otherwise a fit was sure to be throw!) He was the best cuddler and especially loved being right up against mommy's skin. 

(Specifics about those four days and the day we said goodbye to come soon...) 

38 Weeks: It's Time

38 Weeks:

It's Time:

Well, the time has come to hold our sweet boy in person. We already know all there is to know about him. We and many others have bonded with him more than I thought possible with a baby through the womb. His heart and soul are so deeply part of me and who I am. Who I will always be. I am his Mother. I have been for nine months and will be for the rest of forever. God gave me Jack as my birthday surprise and I will forever realize how special and amazing he is. Four months ago they said he wouldn't make it full term. They said he wasn't worth it. That is not for anyone else to decide except God and God has only begun to do Miraculous things thru his creation, Jack Andrew. 

The anxiety levels are sky high. All of Jack's grandparents, aunts, and uncles have arranged their arrival. Plans are in place for big brother and big sister. My hospital bag has been packed for months. Laundry is caught up. We are "ready". Ready to go to the hospital that is. What happens after that, Lord only knows. 

The Nitty Gritty: We go in tomorrow morning (Wednesday) to start induction. Prayers that my body will accept the early induction. My other two were born at 41 weeks and Jack is just past 38. My body isn't ready, but he is my third in just over three years so Im hopeful. I've also never had medical induction so that's new. My hospital does the process a bit slower and differently than a normal H so there's some learning there too - they won't want to do too much at once because of Jack's heart - so it may take a couple of days. CSection is still a possibility if issues arise. We are inducing because Jack's growth has stopped and my fluid is even lower - both signs that decline is happening. It's time. I feel peaceful about that. I can not speak to what happens after we show up, but I know The Lord and so many people are with us in this journey. I appreciate everything from everyone more than you'll ever know. 

37 Weeks: baby weight gain issues, uncomfortable meetings, and communion

37 weeks:

Ultrasound:

Jack was super low, head down, and still sucking on his little hand this week. His heart rate was in the normal range at 135 and his cord flow was BETTER than it has been in a month. 

He has previously registered between the 20th and 40th percentile with his weight, but today he measured in the 3rd percentile. These U/S weight measurements can be up to 15% off, but even considering that it appears as if Jack has not grown in the last few weeks. This is not good. In addition, my amniotic fluid was quite low today. Fluid gets lower as the baby grows, but the issue here is that mr baby hasn't been growing and even if, it is too low for 37 weeks. 

Lack of growth is a concern because birth weight is a huge factor for survival and this halt can also be a concern for upcoming fetal demise. Now the issue remains on WHEN to take him out. Originally I was eager to wait wait wait because I wanted a higher birth weight (but that isn't working out well) and I didn't want to attempt induction before my body was ready for concern of failure leading to CSection. I am not against CSection, but for the sake of having the most time available to be with Jack after delivery, a vaginal birth is desired. At this point we are monitoring movement throughout this week and going back on Monday to check weight, cord, fluid, and heart rate. If all seems the same we will probably schedule an induction the following week. If things get worse it may be sooner. 

The Other Meetings at 37w:

Sibling Care: 

The hospital offers all sorts of services to help kids with having  a sibling in the hospital or with grief and death. At this point we are choosing not to have our preschooler meet with them, but happily accepted their list of child friendly books and pamphlets. We have yet to discuss any possibilities with our oldest because we still have no idea what may be ahead of her, but we have resources ready. 

Hospice:

The hospice we met with was yet another "just incase" meeting. They listed the variety of services they offer and we left it at "we shall just see what happens" and let you know. (Of course there were a lot more details, but I am already doing my best at ignoring the majority of that conversation for now so I don't feel like reliving it.) 

Chaplin Slash Organ Donor Info: 

Again, another topic of "just incase" and another topic that is difficult to discuss... Basically we have looked into the potential of first off simply donating Jack's cord blood and then the potential of other organ and tissue donations. We wanted to make sure all basis were covered ahead of time. We needed to know details about whether or not Jack's Trisomy disqualifies him and also to know the time crunch necessity details. 

To end on a sweet note - a experience from last weekend... 

Communion: 

My church does communion once a month. I seem to be my most emotional at church. Last weekend as I was preparing for communion I thought to myself that this may be baby Jack's last time taking communion and that I would aim all my heart power at sending the sacredness of the experience straight to my womb towards my boy. Silly I know, but Im finding the end of my pregnancy has caused me to be super sentimental at my worry wondering if these are my last moments with my boy. As I walked up the aisle I prayed for my boy and thanked my God for His sacrifice. When I arrived at the station the server (a stranger) said to me, "the blood of Christ shed for you" then leaned down towards my belly and said, "and for YOU" Thankfully I got turned back towards my seat before I LOST IT. How random of her yet how amazing and special she made me feel. What an amazing God. Yes, the blood of Christ has been shed for me AND my boy and THAT is why I can rest assured knowing that even if my earthly moments with Jack are short that we will have eternity together very soon