Sunday, September 29, 2013

Ten Weeks Out

ME AT TEN WEEKS: Jack's influence on my life is beyond words. Every day I see new ways where he has changed and molded and bettered my time here on earth. Many old friendships have become new and stronger than ever. I have so so many new friends that ARE my heart. My relationships with my parents are better than they have ever been. And my husband and children are so precious to me that just thinking about how much they mean to me shortens my breath. I sometimes struggle though lately with my relationship with my Lord. I don't have doubts. I don't really even ask why or have anger. But it is almost as if I have awkwardness towards Him. I still read my Bible every day. I still pray every day and thank Him for all He has provided. But I just have an uneasy feeling. Perhaps I am angry, but have such a mix of fear and gratefulness that I feel guilty allowing that through and so it is like there is an elephant in the middle of my faith walk that I don't seem to be able to hash out with God. Sure, the experience of having and losing my son has strengthened all those relationships listed above, but don't tell me that couldn't have happened while allowing me to still have him. My other two children have taught me countless lessons and I still get to have them. And they will continue to teach me as they grow and change. It has been ten weeks since we last held our son and so much has changed. Im a new woman for sure. So new I don't even know myself. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin and I surely don't have much of a memory for who I used to be. I feel like Im stuck floating inside of myself. Im able to see out and witness all of the beauty and heartache swirling around me, but don't feel a lot of permanence from my moments. However, I am better. I am able to have conversations and remember appointments better. I even felt like spending some energy on myself recently and found myself purchasing clothes and painting my nails. A fellow angel mom (who Ive never met) sent me a letter and she said it best when she encouraged me that while my love for Jack will endure my pain will ease. And I figure that if I am already seeing evidence of this at ten weeks than there may just very well be hope for me after all. THE REST OF THE FAM AT TEN WEEKS: I don't speak publicly about my husband's grief journey because he is a pretty private man, but my very young, sweet children continue to go through stages of their own journey. My three year old daughter blows kisses up to heaven each night. She has also had a few queries about death and heaven lately. She saw some cow bones at the ranch one day and asked how the rib fell out of the cow. I explained to her that the cow died and his bones are left. She was silent for a long time before wanting to see them again and then began asking questions about how the cow died and how Jack died and I could see her wheels turning. She does that sort of thing often. I think she is a bit confused about the physical body and spiritual soul. (Aren't we all! ;) ) My one year old son is so sweet with his journey. He often points to pictures of Jack and says "Baby Jack Baby Jack!" I figured he was just copying what others said, but then once he said it towards my belly and then last week we were cuddling in the three am silence and he asked me, "Baby Jack go? Baby Jack doing?" It amazed me that he would possibly have memory or understanding of any of it. We shall never know for sure I suppose. Their behavior has not been the best lately. I don't know if it is all part of the terrible toddler stages, their grief journey, or more than likely caused by their reaction to mom's short fuse. Either way, they keep us on our toes. :) THANK YOU: Thank you for still checking on us at ten weeks. Thank you for understanding that we still hurt and remain shocked and disoriented. Thank you for the cards and letters and messages. Thank you especially for sending me photos of you wearing your jack bracelet so I know all the adventures that he is getting to experience in your heart. (I got more bracelets in - please just let me know if you want one) Thank you for being patient in awaiting your personal thank you card for the meal or gift you sent, for I have yet to wrap my head around writing them out. Thank you for reading and as always thank you for your grace in knowing that I may not always be able to express myself properly in this format, but loving me anyways. Here's to week eleven...

1 comment:

  1. Dear Courtney:
    I was moved by your beautiful posts about your son Jack. I would like to speak with you for a television piece on the Children's Mercy Hospital NICU for a PBS program Religion & Ethics Newsweekly. We will be at the hospital next Tuesday and Wednesday. Please contact me at I look forward to speaking with you. Regards, Susan Goldstein