My birthday. Again.

November 17th... 2012 - It was a Saturday morning. My 29th birthday. Layla had just turned three and Keith was eleven months old. Patrick let me sleep in since it was my birthday and he entertained the kids and worked at secretly printing off a spa day gift certificate for me. I had secrets of my own as I had been feeling a bit odd and snuck to take a pregnancy test. Quickly the lineS appeared and my first thought was " holy crap". An unplanned baby for a very planned momma. I smiled and stuck the test in my pocket and walked to the kitchen. When my husband kissed me and handed me the gift, I in turn gave him the positive pregnancy test. As the day went on my mind was consumed with this new unexpected life living within. We planned to buy new furniture at Nebraska Furniture Mart that day for our new home we would take over in two weeks. What a blessing that we would have a new home for our newly enlarged family. I still remember that it was me (and not the kids as we feared and warned) that absent mindidly knocked over a huge display of hundred dollar vases while shopping. My husband smirked and I knew what he was thinking, "pregnant brain" And so it began... Happy 29th birthday. 2013- what a year... Never would I have imagined it would end this way. My birthday carries so much heartache. Ive tried so hard to embrace it with open arms. I fear I've hit a bit of a snag. I should be at home with a new baby, just getting into the swing of having three kids four and under. But Im not. I'm galavanting out west spending time - a wonderful time - with my husband 'celebrating'. I can't help but know that if we had Jack with us we wouldn't be here. It is hard to enjoy with that realization. Jack being born on 7-17 would be four months old on my 30th birthday. As I imagine ahead to 31... In 2014... I can't help but struggle to breathe in absolute trepidation for what might wait ahead this next year. I no longer walk blindly thru a trivial life. Yes, I know it will be blessedly beautiful as the last has been. Though I feel scared and weak. BUT... I will wake tomorrow. I will greet the day. And I will rejoice for The Lord is good. I've had thirty strong years. Not everyone has that. This I know. Here's to God for these 30 years, may I work harder for His Glory. And here's to my boy - I promise I will never forget these dates and moments we shared - and while this the passing of time feels like it is shoving me further away from you, know that deep in my being I do realize that it is in fact drawing me closer to the day we shall meet again.