Do You Feel Awkward Talking to Me?
That's ok! Everyone does. It IS awkward. No one knows what to say and that is OK. Are there responses I prefer over others? Sure! But I don't begrudge your attempts. I have read some interesting blogs and posts on what to and not to say to someone who is grieving or in a difficult time. I think it all depends on the person, but for me I always appreciate those of you who are sad. Let me explain... Some of you have sat and cried while I spoke and that makes my heart swell with love for you. To see that you hurt for us makes me feel connected to you. You get me. You validate my pain. You do not make me sadder. You do not bring up any feelings that I already don't always have sitting on the surface. It is more than ok to be sad. I am.
Sometimes for me the harder awkward moments are when friends seem to take my pain lightly. I have had very few of these moments. Next to none. When they are easily convinced it's fine, you're fine, I'm fine, we're all fine. This makes me feel they don't completely respect the life of my son. Or the torture of my mother's soul. Yes, that friend's life will go on. Sure, technically my own life will go on, but some day my son's life will NOT go on. And that does not scream silver lining to me right now. Yes. You're right, I do have other children. Yes. You're right, I can make more children. But I'm not sure what either of those things has to do with Jack. Children are not interchangeable.
Throughout all three pregnancies my biggest sleep restricter is my dreaming. Many friends and acquaintances have been 'blessed' with my detailed dream descriptions directly involving them doing something silly. Often though, my pregnant dreams are nightmares. Usually I just get up and take a lap around the house to wake up and convince myself that it wasn't real before going back to bed so the dream won't be continuous. However, since March 7th, when we found out the devastating news of our son, my nightmares are so realistic and carry such truth that when I wake I simply cry and realize that it IS all real and it could all happen. Many, many nights are ruined by bad dreams now days. :-( I know I need to be more diligent in praying specifically about this before bed and in guarding what I read before bed as well.
My typical personality is quite comfortable in public and party settings. I feel at ease schmoozing with the best of them. However, lately I find it difficult to be away from my safe zone. I feel so much support and comfort with family and friends and seem to drift towards that more than ever. It is like the smiles or happiness out there are difficult for me. Sometimes I just don't want to smile. This has never been an issue before, but my heart is so heavy that I'm not as easy to please I suppose. Of course I have loads of things to be happy about and am in general a positive person, but I just get to a point at functions where I feel ingenuine and want to go home and hide. One of the main public issues is that I am now quite visibly pregnant. So strangers are constantly wanting to talk about my baby and how excited we must be and how excited the kids and fam must be. Never would I say that I don't treasure my Jack more than I knew possible, but excitement is not an emotion I feel towards my pregnancy right now. Some strangers make a comment or two and let it go, but some won't give it a rest. I try to just give straight answers about his due date, name, age range with my other kids, ect but eventually I don't want to talk to them any more. A couple of times when someone won't let up I tell them of our heartache in a short sentence or two and that's the end of it. Before this I was a guaranteed pregnant lady approacher. Not so much any more. You just never know. However.... If everyone knew and no one ever asked ME about how I am or about MY baby I wouldn't like that either. So I guess, yet again, there is no right way to go about it.
1. OB checks every 2-3 weeks
2. Maternity pics this week
3. 3D/4D Ultrasound next week
4. Alexandra's House mtg next week
5. Children's Mercy sent us our schedule for our late May appointment! We will have an anesthesiology apt, MD U/S, and then a team meeting with Perinatology, cardiology, neonatology, genetics, and social work.