Sunday, April 7, 2013

24 weeks - OB Visit - Pray Big

24 weeks:
No energy still...
My blood pressure was high (for me) at 130/74. Hopefully just due to nerves for apt. Jack's heart rate was 135 and he was a mover in there.

OB Check Up:
I was super nervous for this first apt, as I had not seen Dr C (or anyone) since before our diagnosis a month ago, but overall I felt better by the time it was over.
We first discussed stillbirth details and potential situations. When I talk about this with people it is a total fact only, out of body, experience, but it gets the job done and the info transferred.
My doctor did say that in her experience the stronger and more active the baby is and the more he is continuing to grow the more likely he will have a live birth. She said often Trisomy babies' growth will slow. Jack's has not. The dr also discussed how the more difficult times and decisions will come if Jack does not get his angel wings within. I am not hoping or wishing for one scenario or another. I am not thinking which would be simpler or better or whatever. I just want Jack to do whatever God has designed him to do whenever that may be.
I just want to be as informed as possible for the different roads. Which is what we discussed next... We told Dr C that we are planning to go to Children's Mercy at 30 weeks to get more information on Jack specifically. So far all we've been offered from the first hospital was info on his trisomy diagnosis and not on him as a person/patient. That hospital was finished with us the day My amnio came back with T13. My OB said she is in agreement with more info, but wanted us to truly understand the very bleak likelihood. She didn't want us chasing unreasonable hope. We assured her that we knew what Full T13 involved, but that we just needed to understand more and be prepared for the what ifs. She was very caring and said she is praying for us. Her personality and mine are very different, but have meshed well thru all three pregnancies. A great balance. My honey had a hard time with the apt. He is such an awesome caring daddy. This is so hard on him. I am sure sitting there discussing all of the horribleness for so long is hard - especially on him. Sometimes I feel like since my mind is constantly consumed with Jack and people discuss it with me DAILY that I am more used to these conversations maybe? Or numb?

Speaking of Numb:
Sometimes I feel like Im in an alternate universe. Sometimes I look around and feel like Im watching my life instead of in it. God, what am I suppose to do with this? How is this going to play out? I just don't know what to do with each moment. I find myself living in a happy moment and then BOOM I halt and remember my world is tilted upside down and I think waaaaaay to much. I wonder if I am coping by living just on the outside of my body and one day I will snap and go coocoo or if this is how I will deal always. Either way, God is good and we are getting thru.

Pray BIG:
Disclaimer: This is too complicated of a topic to properly express in writing. I see every side and feel every which way at different moments, and obviously every situation is different. But for today...
I think we all have different ways and styles of praying. We all go to God, speak to God, and listen to God in different ways. Three times today I have heard about 'praying big'. Bigger than you normally would. Asking God to heal the drought not with a sprinkle or a drizzle, but begging Him for a massive rain storm. Hum... I understand this concept with so many situations. I do. But I am having issue wrapping my head around 'praying big' with baby Jack. Typically I am not the type of pray-er who asks God for specifics. I find my prayers asking God to be with and comfort all involved and for us all to be able to see the good, the God, in the situation. Im more of a 'your will be done' kind of pray-er.
So, when encouraged to 'pray bigger than big' to ask God for exactly what I want scares me. I guess I don't want to find myself in disappointment later. Jack is who he is. His baby body is different than ours. His chromosomal make up is very clear. I wish I had the strength to beg for it all to change. To beg that God will let me keep him here. I know God can do anything. But can I ask THAT of Him? Sure I have snuck in tear filled prayers begging for healing or to wake from this dream. (I can't type 'nightmare' because nothing in my beautiful life is a nightmare because I am so blessed.) But overall I ask God to be with us. To comfort us. And most of all I praise Him for my sweet boy. I praise Him that Jack is so special and so very strong. I know Jack will and is making a huge impact on this world. I ask God to guide his journey and keep him comfortable. To cover my babes in His comfort. Sometimes... Part of me feels almost sinful to ask God to change something so set specific ... Do I wish differently? Do you even have to ask?! But can I really think my wishes and plans are better? Bigger? Sure I wonder how the heck my sweet little plan of my family of five, my girl and two boys living life with us on earth till we die sixty years from now, could possible be a bad plan, could possibly not be God's plan, but there must be some reason... The HAS TO be some reason why. Why?! Right? Right!? So... I shall trust God to help me praise Him in whatever story shall be ours.

1. We have OB checks every 2-3 weeks for the next few months. 2. My dear photographer friend Briana is going to come take maternity pics mid April and will also photograph Jack's birth. (This was all highly recommended to me from other momma's who have already traveled this journey. It may be uncomfortable and cause some sadness, but they said it means a lot to them later on.)
3. In late April the amazing people at Prenatal imaging are doing a special after hours 3D/4D ultrasound for us. (This is something that I really hope we get to make it to.)
4. And then if we make it to 30 weeks in late May we will start our Children's Mercy journey.

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