Sunday, March 31, 2013

23 weeks - Dr Jekyll/ Mr Hyde

23 weeks:
 I have lots of stomach aches and laziness ;) I.need.spring! I am gaining weight too so some walks would be nice!
Jack's size and development this week:
He is over a foot long and over a pound. There is lots of movement and noises from the outside world are becoming familiar to him. Oh! And am I ever showing now! Whew - big belly.

My newest every day convos:
I spoke with the NICU at my local hospital about stillbirth details and what they do for the babes and with them and details about funeral homes and mommentos and blah blah blah. She also felt the need to say to me, "You KNOW your son is not going to kindergarten. You know he is simply not compatible with life." It was just all a bunch of ick that I didn't want to hear and am sure there are ways around some of those comments. She stretched it out to a 45 minute conversation that I wanted to end quickly. Eh. Convo done. Check.

Dr Jekyll/ Mr Hyde:
Up down up down up down. Back and forth back and forth. One moment I feel numb and fine. Then the next second I feel sad, scared, and weepy. Back and forth. I've noticed that I do this with my willingness in discussion as well. Some times I just want to talk about Jack so bad and reach out that I find myself explaining things to random strangers and then other times I don't even want to talk to my husband about it all. Poor world who has to deal with me.

More joy, more sorrow?
I've noticed that I find myself doing fun things with my kids with tears in my eyes. Every moment is that much more precious when I realize that Jack is with us now, but that I may never get to do these things with him. I took Layla to Disney Ice. She had so much excitement and joy and I loved that, but it made me so sad to realize that we will probably never get to take baby jack to do things like that. I will not get to see him jump up and down when his favorite act comes skating out. So much loss realized before it is even lost. Will I spend every happy moment for the rest of my life with a bit of sorrow at the son who isn't there with us? Im sure, Im sure we will...

The Babes:
Layla has totally stopped napping. I find I really need that time alone and am struggling with her being alone playing or watching a show. I know she needs it and is fine and doesn't need to be entertained every moment, but wish I could just be super mom and in there working every moment on her numbers/letters with her, playing games, etc.  Stinkin mom guilt.
Keith seems to have finally popped through some molars and is happier. He is such a sweet pea. He sleeps and naps well. He eats well too. He will just play and explore all around on his own. He has really started communicating with others and expressing himself. He has 40 plus words and can follow instructions like a champ. I have been surprised he is so verbal so early being the younger sibling of a yacker. He also seems to have more interest in the potty so perhaps this spring/summer I will put some effort into that.

The Babes and Jack:
My kids don't know anything about Jack's health. (Speaking mostly of my 3 year old.) We have decided that since we have no clue where this road is taking us that we don't want to string her around for what could be many months. She talks about baby Jack often. She is the best big sister. So nurturing and motherly. Her heart will break. Im very worried about her in this. I know God will protect her, but I don't know if I can handle Layla's heartbreak on top of my own.


  1. Hi, I couldn't find a way to private message you but your story was brought to my attention by one of your former preschool student's parents (Sheri). I am so sorry to read of your sweet baby Jack's diagnosis. We, too, know the ups & downs of carrying a baby with a birth defect "incompatible with life." You can read about our story on my blog:

    If you can figure out how to private message on my blog, I would love to chat with you by email. I know that every mom's experience is unique and there is no way any one else can understand what you're going through but sometimes talking with someone who has shared a similar journey can be a comfort.

    Hugs for your beautiful family from ours,

  2. Oh, sorry, 2nd grade student not preschool!