And then I lost it

~ 22 weeks - Jack moves a ton between 9-11pm. I enjoy that. Each day is long, but God gives us the peace to keep going. I was doing fairly well for a while, and then a depression set in . . .

(WARNING: This is a grumpy post in a time of grieving. Just feelings that I allow myself to have from time to time. Don't worry, I always put it back together. I DO forever know the blessing of my babes and my family and friends and most importantly of my Lord, but sometimes I have a bit of a pity party. So, this may not be for just anyone to read...)

My heart is so very broken. There are so many people who are pregnant, like me with beautiful amazing blessings, like me. They are getting nurseries prepped and clothes washed. Not like me. I have nothing like that to do. I have no plans to make other than doctor and hospital appointments. And research, research, research. I have packed my essentials for our hospital bag, but plan to add mementos this week. Something for my kids and us. Along with Jack's outfits and a blankie for him. I know there is a very small chance Jack will come home, but I feel like I'd be setting myself up for heartbreak if I prepare my home for that. I already have to look every day at things around my home that I did pre 19 weeks and don't need things to 'disassmble' later. So I shall prepare hospital items and God willing if we need more things ready we can quickly do it after he is born.

I feel like I look around and am shocked that people keep going about their business. Like they have yet to notice the world stopped spinning. Sometimes my loved ones will ask if my sadness at that moment is due to my worries about Jack... I now wonder, What on earth else is there to be sad about? Is sad even a term that can encompass anything else ever again? On FB someone wrote all about how they're "sad" the store didn't have the home goods item they desired. They said they were 'SO SAD'. Really? Cynical a little Rachel? Yes. I am. Today at least. I am embarrassed, but a good friend told me to feel what I feel and this is what I feel. Perhaps it'll allow some other mom some day to know she is somewhat normal too. I have always had great perspective. I get that from my father. Life is hard, but someone else always has it harder. I know this. I know there are SO many people out there who have it worse than I am I feel for them. But today I feel a little for me too. Socrates once said that if all the troubles of the world were laid in a huge pile and each person had to come and take an equal portion - most people would be pleased just to take back their own original troubles and go. This is a hard life. Yes, it is a glorious life, but just different than i once thought it was. It looks different to me now. Am I fat? I don't know. I no longer notice. Is my home clean? Don't know. Is that car in front of my driving too slow. Don't know. Nothing is the same to me any more. My life has already been changed and will change more as the days and months go on.

I can't breathe. I am always forever always every day every moment every second all of eternity thinking dreaming wondering wishing praying thinking every every every single moment about my baby about our future together about the possibilities. I am consumed.


Side Note: because it can't go without being said: of course anyone can be 'sad' about anything. I wish them no harm from these comments, I am simply sharing my heart's thoughts at that moment. I use all sorts of synonyms a for sad and will continue to use them for all sorts of reasons. These are just foreign thoughts for me. Also, I wish all my beautiful prego loves the best, but it doesn't mean that deep down the reminders don't cause me tears. Do not sensor yourselves around me. I want and need to experience your joys. You have experienced mine. We are here for one another in highs and lows.