The Lord's Peace

~Weeks 20-21
On Monday, March 11th the genetic counselor called to say that Jack's amnio came back with him having FULL TRISOMY 13. Part of me felt relieved to have an answer. I wasn't expecting sunshine and flowers. I just needed to know. I immediately began researching. The genetic counselor and my OB said there was no need to have the echocardio done on him at 26 weeks like we had planned because there is ’little hope’. Hum...

But I found immediate support from other Trisomy moms with tons of hope, but was also careful not to let their specific situations get my hopes up - just educate me on other options than the ones given to me ("none"). Our family and friends began pouring their hearts out to our great Lord and OH MY GOSH did he ever send His peace down on me. I was sane in an insane time. I was able to read and talk and explain and socialize when I otherwise would've thought that not possible. Where was this coming from? From God is the only possibility. Because I will tell you something... no mother could have a natural peace when she is told her son is alive in her, but may die at any moment and then she will have to go through labor and delivery and hold him in her arms, OR perhaps, they said, he will make it four more months to full term and THEN will die in my arms. Who can fathom such horridness!? Not me. Not long ago I was having a conversation with a friend where I said that I think the worst thing in the world would be to experience a stillbirth. I said there is no way that I could ever EVER do that and come out while on the other end. No way that I could go through labor and delivery just to be handed a baby who I don't get to take home with me. Who I don't get to raise. But... Look where I am. And guess what... God is still good. He is with me. He is with my sweet sweet forever loving husband. I am not ready. I will never be ready. I will never be the same. But I am here.

I think.