Monday, March 25, 2013

The Heartache of Our First UltraSound

At 19 weeks 3 days - March 6, 2012 - Patrick, Layla, Keith, and myself reported to my OB for our midway UltraSound (U/S). I had been so looking forward to this apt, first because I hate surprises and the unknown and I needed to know the gender, and second because I had an uneasy feeling this whole pregnancy and needed to see the baby was all there and ok. The kids were a bit of  mess seeing how it was lunch time, but daddy did a great job at attempting to entertain. The tech was new to us. It wasn't long into the apt that she told us he was a boy. We were thrilled. This is what we both secretly pictured for our complete family. As the apt went on (and on and on and on) Patrick had to eventually take Keith out to the car. I noticed that the tech was spending a LOT of time on baby Jack's heart. She was watching it in slow motion over and over. I thought something looked a little off, but who knows with these machines. I then noticed the tech had similar behavior with his brain. She was a bit snippy with my baby girl too. The mood in the room was thick. Eventually she wiped me off and asked if I meet with Dr C after this. I explained yes, that I was going and Patrick was taking the kids to lunch since they were done. The tech said, "ok. well I need to talk to your doctor about the scan. please wait in the main lobby an maybe do not have your husband leave yet. Your doctor will need to speak with you both." She then handed me a couple of pics, but kept the rest. Well... suckity suck suck. What on earth did this mean. I asked P to come back in and he could immediately tell something was wrong. After some more waiting, who knows how long, I was nervous as all get out, they took us back and Dr C said to her nurses to "find Rachel and get her the hell back here." Well... suckity suck suck some more. :( She didnt do any normal talk - she got straight to it. She said that Jack's right side of his heart looks larger and that he has fluid on his brain. My kids were in the room so I just stared and silently lost it. My world crashed. Dr C set up our Level II U/S with specialist at the Plaza hospital for the next day. I sent P and the kids home because a nurse was needing to take some blood tests to see about potential disorders. I was trying to be brave and faithful. I knew God would care for us and our boy, but I dont do well with unknowns. Once in my car I completely broke down. I spoke with all my mommas and drove home to my babes.

My mom drove in from two hours away to help with the kids while we planned for our apt. Our apt the next day was for the afternoon so I told P to go to work in the am and meet me there. He was so willing to do anything, but I felt the peace of the Lord and that we would just see so i wanted to go about normal until we had to do otherwise. That night I kept thinking that perhaps the Lord laid kids with special needs on my heart so many years ago to prepare me for this. I knew I could rock having a babe with special needs and I began to have HOPE that Jack would have Downs. Hope for Downs? Did I say that? Yes. I did. I didn't care what syndrome or issue he may have I just wanted to HAVE him.

1 comment:

  1. I have no adequate words but I thank you for sharing this extremely difficult experience.